The Quote Garden ™
I dig old books. ™
Quotations about Computers,
Internet, Programming, etc.
JOBS & OFFICE
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. ~Author unknown
USER. The word that computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." ~Dave Barry, "Glossary of Standard Computer Terms," Dave Barry's Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week, 1986, davebarry.com
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. ~Doug Larson, United Feature Syndicate, as quoted by The Reader's Digest, 1995
The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back. ~Author unknown
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. ~Bill Vaughan, 1969 [quoteinvestigator.com]
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
~David Dixon, 1998, winning entry of the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
Computers, huh? I've heard it all boils down to just a bunch of ones and zeroes... I don't know how that enables me to see naked women, but however it works, God bless you guys. ~From the television show King of Queens, spoken by the character Doug Heffernan
Computers have lots of memory but no imagination. ~Author unknown
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done. ~Andy Rooney
Don't anthropomorphize computers — they hate it. ~Author unknown
PRINTER. A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking red light. ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
Your network is secure, your computer is up and running, and your printer is jam-free. Why? Because you've got an awesome sysadmin (or maybe a whole IT department) keeping your business up and running. So say IT loud; say IT proud… Happy Sys Admin Day! ~SysAdminDay.com, 2013 [System Administrator Appreciation Day is celebrated on the last Friday of July. —tg]
I just wish my mouth had a backspace key. ~Author unknown
I wish life had an Undo function. ~Author unknown
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. ~Weinberg’s Law (Gerald Weinberg)
A picture is worth a thousand words but it takes 3,000 times the disk space. ~Author unknown
Rebooting is a wonder drug — it fixes almost everything. ~Garrett Hazel, "Help Desk Blues," 2002
HARDWARE. Where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is.
SOFTWARE. Where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.
~Dave Barry, "Glossary of Standard Computer Terms," Dave Barry's Claw Your Way to the Top: How to Become the Head of a Major Corporation in Roughly a Week, 1986, davebarry.com
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing. No credit is given for distinguishing between these two very different emotions. I fear snakes. I hate computers. ~David Sedaris, "Nutcracker.com," Me Talk Pretty One Day, 2000, davidsedarisbooks.com
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
~Suzie Wagner, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? ~Author unknown
I haven't lost my mind — I have a tape back-up somewhere. ~Author unknown
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. ~Author unknown
If it draws blood, it's hardware. ~Author unknown
RAM disk is not an installation procedure. ~Author unknown
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. ~Author unknown
I had a life once. Now I have a computer. ~Author unknown
In God we trust — all others we virus scan. ~Author unknown
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
~Margaret Segall, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
REFERENCE MANUAL. Object that raises the monitor to eye level. ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
My computer kept beating the pants off me at chess, until I discovered that it was no match against me at kickboxing. ~Author unknown
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in. ~Quoted in The Reader’s Digest, 1976, as “Huntingburg, Ind., Independent, quoted by Bill Gold in Washington Post” [How’s that for a quaternary source?! –tg]
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. ~Author unknown
Hooked on Internet? Help is a just a click away. ~Author unknown
Warning: the Internet may contain traces of nuts. ~Author unknown
What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? A URLologist. ~Author unknown
What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? WebMD. ~Forest Houtenschil
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
~Peter Rothman, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
You can't take something off the Internet — it's like taking pee out of a pool. ~Author unknown, c.1995
On the internet, even private is public. ~Terri Guillemets
The problem with internet quotes is that you cannot always depend on their accuracy. ~Benjamin Franklin, 1795
I am at a loss to figure out how to rid my e-mail of those bottom-feeders of the electronic world, the generators of spam.... If I were Emperor of the World, I would lock all the spammers in a room and force them to watch nothing but TV commercials for the rest of their miserable lives, and I would condemn the people who respond to spammers to do nothing but clean the toilets in this room. ~Richard E. Turner (1937–2011), The Grammar Curmudgeon, a.k.a. "The Mudge," from "The Curmudgeon Sounds Off: A Plague of Spam," July 2004, sites.google.com/site/grammarmudge
Emails we can read, say no to 'send a receipt', mark as unread, categorise, label and put in a folder whilst drinking tea and thinking about other things. It's hard work making the right noises and facial expressions in response to an in-person reminder. ~Neil Cottingham, 2013
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
~David Ansel, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
I wrote an ad for Apple Computer: "Macintosh — We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." ~Douglas Adams, unverified
What boots up must come down. ~Author unknown
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique...
~"Weird Al" Yankovic, "It's All About the Pentiums," Running with Scissors, 1999, weirdal.com
I hate computers for replacing the card catalog in the New York Public Library. ~David Sedaris, "Nutcracker.com," Me Talk Pretty One Day, 2000, davidsedarisbooks.com
One man's crappy software is another man's full time job. ~Jessica Gaston, 2008
There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
~Rahul Sonnad, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
ALPHA. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
BETA. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. "Beta" is Latin for "still doesn't work." ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
INTERIM RELEASE. A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
It's not a bug — it's an undocumented feature. ~Author unknown
Jason: Apparently the leaked Windows source code contains some pretty naughty language.
Peter: Naughty language?
Jason: Curse words in the comments.
Peter: So when people are swearing at their PC, it's actually swearing back?
Jason: Clever Microsoft.
~Bill Amend, FoxTrot (comic), 2004
ERROR MESSAGE. Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. "But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." —Matthew 5:37 ~Author unknown
When that code was written, only God and the programmer understood it. Now, only God understands it. ~Author unknown [mod of a joke about Robert Browning poetry —tg]
Debugging — the classic mystery game where you are the victim, the detective, and the murderer. ~Internet meme
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
~Charlie Gibbs, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live. ~Martin Golding, unverified
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
~Brian M. Porter, 1998, honorable mention in the Haiku Error Messages 21st Challenge by Charlie Varon and Jim Rosenau, sponsored by Salon.com
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? ~Author unknown
PROGRAMMERS. Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies. ~Author unknown, "Computer Glossary for the Technically Challenged," c.1996
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly equivalent to herding cats. ~The Washington Post Magazine, 1985
You've got white-out all over your screen.
You think your Commodore 64 is really neat-o,
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh —
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
~"Weird Al" Yankovic, "It's All About the Pentiums," Running with Scissors, 1999, weirdal.com
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. ~Author unknown
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashes… oh, wait a minute, he already does. ~Author unknown
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works. ~Alan J. Perlis (1922–1990)
Why did the programmer cross the road? To get coffee — why else would one be outside? ~Author unknown
Ninety-nine little bugs in the code,
Ninety-nine little bugs,
Take one down, patch it around —
A hundred and twelve little bugs in the code...
~Author unknown, programmers' drinking song
Programming languages, like pizzas, come in only too sizes; too big and too small. ~Richard E. Pattis, www.ics.uci.edu/~pattis
If you can't find what you're looking for here, try Hákon Ágústsson’s collection of programming and software development quotations at SoftwareQuotes.com
published 1999 Feb 16
revised 2021 Aug 15
last saved 2022 Feb 24